twist
feel
to
differently
the
now
right.
The dagger is jagged and it twists again when I hear the rest of what he has to say. My livelihood is partially embedded in him and I feel a little part of my heart harden as he carries on with his indifference. This post is not about the break-up itself (you won't hear any sob stories from this chick) but rather what I have learned.
I am healing with the aftermath and to be honest, I am more refreshed than ever with life. At my age, I have learned that romantic relationships are transient. All you have is your family, friends and your life's passionate work. I gave everything I had and there is nothing that I could have done better. This is why I feel truly peaceful with the situation as it is now. This is why I'm not lamenting in bed for days wondering what happened on my end for his feelings to change - I'm more or less okay with the disconnection. With any major change in your life, there are lessons to be internalized when you love someone so blindly, passionately and whole-heartedly and these are the immediate ones for me:
- It takes four full seasons to know anyone. This past fall-out has taught me to stick to this maxim for the rest of my life.
- If you are doing something wrong and are AWARE of it, learn from it, grow from it and CHANGE it. I am at fault for this as well but man, I learned it through and through this time around and if you don't do something about it, you are a fucking fool for it.
- Never compromise the characteristics that make you who you are. At times, I felt I wasn't
'Connecticut ' enough.. this was probably in my head but I know myself enough to understand that I'm a free spirit and cardigans will never be a part of my everyday wardrobe.
- Never feel regretful of how much you whole-heartedly loved someone...if they deserve it...and even if they don't, you will feel so happy that life has given you the blessing to be with someone that you can let yourself go with. This was the case with me; I felt like an exemplified version of myself when I was with him and I'm not saying that I don't feel like this on my own, but DAMN DID IT FEEL GOOD.
Reluctantly, I moved here with him in tow (completely unplanned) and I am trying to learn what life in Manhattan is like sans him. Not an easy task but I'm taking it day-by-day and focusing on me right now.
I will be the first to admit that I am still deeply in love with him but I am no one's doormat to return to me in Fall when their schedule is more conducive to mine. I'm bitter right now but with time, all will heal.
I feel differently now about him and things will be very tough to revert back to the pure love that I felt for him because of what he has expressed to me. Summer has arrived and it's probably the best time to be single in the City. I say this half-heartedly because I feel that these are the right things to say - but I'm a firecracker... fuck saying the right things and knowing what to do in this type of situation...guess I'll figure it out with time.
