A Ticking Time Bomb

There are three large wall clocks that hang comfortably in my New York-sized kitchen. With lively silver outlines and protruding charcoal faces, these clocks look more like floating heads of astronauts preparing to launch out to space than mere decorative pieces struggling to liven up the drab off-white backdrop. Rarely is it ever quiet enough to hear the third hands, primarily due to the fact that I live above a restaurant where someone is always raucously celebrating their birthday, but tonight there is a hush and my mind is calmer than it has been in months.

Lately, I have been incredibly aware of time passing but in a very different way than before. I watch the hours pass while I’m buzzing away in my cube but when I’m freed from the cell, time passes so much more slowly in a marvelous manner. There is an elegant transience to this city which has an amazing affect on my mind and soul. I now make it a point to open myself up to new opportunities, activities and people at every avenue. With the majority of my days being so incredibly structured, my evenings are filled to the brim with last-minute decisions and chance conversations with writers, painters, and photographers. In the last year, ironically due to the residual affects of this mindless job, I have become more at ease with experiences that demand spontaneous, uncertain, terrifyingly unpredictable creativity and passion.

Now, more than ever, I’m making the time to explore anything and everything that brings me these sensations. You can plan and schedule as much as you want; shit is not going to always sync with your day planner. Meritocracy is shit encased in a 24K gold bag. For me, it’s the unpredictability that I crave and with a little bit of inevitable planning that I have begun, I believe that the years to come are going to be epic. Kudos to those who have already found something that really inspires and motivates them (I would love to hear from you). I see too many people suspended in secure 9-5 positions, similar to those clocks in my kitchen. I’m not going to be pegged against the wall and just have aspirations about going to space; I plan to do actually do it (I’ll settle for skydiving over the Himalayas but you get my gist).

Seth Godin phrased it perfectly: “Great jobs, world class jobs, jobs people kill for... those jobs don't get filled by people emailing in resumes. Ever.”

Expression

I

twist

feel

to

differently

the

now

right.

The dagger is jagged and it twists again when I hear the rest of what he has to say. My livelihood is partially embedded in him and I feel a little part of my heart harden as he carries on with his indifference. This post is not about the break-up itself (you won't hear any sob stories from this chick) but rather what I have learned.

I am healing with the aftermath and to be honest, I am more refreshed than ever with life. At my age, I have learned that romantic relationships are transient. All you have is your family, friends and your life's passionate work. I gave everything I had and there is nothing that I could have done better. This is why I feel truly peaceful with the situation as it is now. This is why I'm not lamenting in bed for days wondering what happened on my end for his feelings to change - I'm more or less okay with the disconnection. With any major change in your life, there are lessons to be internalized when you love someone so blindly, passionately and whole-heartedly and these are the immediate ones for me:

• It takes four full seasons to know anyone. This past fall-out has taught me to stick to this maxim for the rest of my life.

• If you are doing something wrong and are AWARE of it, learn from it, grow from it and CHANGE it. I am at fault for this as well but man, I learned it through and through this time around and if you don't do something about it, you are a fucking fool for it.

• Never compromise the characteristics that make you who you are. At times, I felt I wasn't

'Connecticut ' enough.. this was probably in my head but I know myself enough to understand that I'm a free spirit and cardigans will never be a part of my everyday wardrobe.

• Never feel regretful of how much you whole-heartedly loved someone...if they deserve it...and even if they don't, you will feel so happy that life has given you the blessing to be with someone that you can let yourself go with. This was the case with me; I felt like an exemplified version of myself when I was with him and I'm not saying that I don't feel like this on my own, but DAMN DID IT FEEL GOOD.

Reluctantly, I moved here with him in tow (completely unplanned) and I am trying to learn what life in Manhattan is like sans him. Not an easy task but I'm taking it day-by-day and focusing on me right now.

I will be the first to admit that I am still deeply in love with him but I am no one's doormat to return to me in Fall when their schedule is more conducive to mine. I'm bitter right now but with time, all will heal.

I feel differently now about him and things will be very tough to revert back to the pure love that I felt for him because of what he has expressed to me. Summer has arrived and it's probably the best time to be single in the City. I say this half-heartedly because I feel that these are the right things to say - but I'm a firecracker... fuck saying the right things and knowing what to do in this type of situation...guess I'll figure it out with time.

I am...

incredibly hungover at work and relishing in the fact that I am wearing a bathing suit cover-up and no one is any wiser (or so I'm hoping). I am more or less in a state that I would liken to a vegetable and I'm sure no one will notice nor care to notice. This is great. Today, since I can't lay in bed, my cube is my sanctuary.

Hell Week

I have been working non-stop and going now on 12 hours of sleep in the last two days, I'm about as brain-dead as a coke head.

I reach the Glory Land on Friday at 5 PM and then it's catching up on writing all weekend - YES.

Until then, it's getting through the grind.

I love my job. I love my job. I love...

Follow the Yellow Brick Road to Google, Kansas

I don't see mega-companies as doing anything notable for this country except attracting, developing and pumping out more corporate drones into a world that is already too homogeneous and banal. With this said, there are a few corporations that I genuinely admire and Google's pretty close to being my top favorite.

I know this is nothing new to be discussed; the guys at Google have had it right and, unless some Jafar-esque character invades the place and ends up in control, I believe this company truly has cultural sustainability. The types of people that are hired in never leave, and if they do, they move onto do amazing things. The Google culture that the owners work so hard to develop and preserve is the true source of the company's value.

Early last month, Mayor Bill Bunten of Topeka, Kansas changed the city's name to 'Google'...as stupefying as this may be, I think it's a testament to how most of us feel about this kick-ass company and in true Google April Fool's style, the search engine giant renamed their site to 'Topeka' for one day to express just how flattered they were of Bunten's decision.

The image below was posted on Google's blog today citing examples of how to properly use the new company name:

Oh, Happy April Fool's.

The Real People of...

"You will have very few opportunities in life to meet and connect with 'real' people."

My sister said this to me when we were chatting the other day. Her tone seemed almost ominous and I couldn't shake her words long after we got off the phone. Growing up in a traditional Indian household with traditional Indian parents has definitely done a number on me. Not necessarily a bad number, but as to be expected, I am a product of my childhood social environment.

I credit my work ethic and ambition to my parents. Throughout college, friends would be amazed by my endurance with the nine-hour study stints at the library sans any concentration-enhancing drugs (I remember a few times when the campus was dry and this threw my friends into raging panic attacks)

...and I rarely drank coffee - screw Redbull; that noxious shit is illegal in Europe.

Nothing worthwhile ever came from sitting on your ass (well, I hope this blog is meaningful to someone). Working a shitty job, having horrendous team members that reek of God knows what, whatever the issue you may have to endure, it's worth it if you are passionate about the overarching goal you are working towards. There were a few classes in college that I couldn't stand but I was working towards a degree that I thought, at the time, was aligned with my interests and career goals. The pursuit of the degree made sense to me since I was content with the potential opportunities it would grant me post-college.

I can weather working day in and day out in horrible conditions as long as I care about what I am doing. I have never been more indifferent and apathetic in my life. Blah, blah, blah. I just need to suck it up and get myself out of this mess.

A lover of mine recites this quote to me when I tell him of my indifference: “Apathy is the glove into which the devil slips its hand.”

I hate not giving a shit. I am a strong-willed person and funny enough, I'm doing quite well at work: received an award the other day, consistently stellar performance reviews. For me, credibility is everything so if anything has my name on it; it will be quality, timely delivered work. Thankfully, I still follow this credo at my new post but my resolve is fading fast.

While I'm transitioning to hopefully something more rewarding than tying numbers and sending entries to be booked to my fellow offshore teammate, Muthukaranarayanan for a faceless corporation, I return to my sister’s words. Lately, I understand how important it is to show the great people in your life how much you care for them. I'll be the first to admit that I haven't always been a great friend, let alone girlfriend; I still struggle with it everyday but I think I’m getting better and I have this job to thank for the improvement. When I’m struggling with one area of my life, I feel like I evaluate and appreciate the other pieces.

It's the people in your life that make it what it is. It's tough to find people you really feel at home with, especially in New York City. All I know with my current state of mind, you are one lucky bastard to have a career that challenges you and pays the bills. I’m going to eventually get there – I just won’t stop until I do.

I leave you with this great website full of 'real people' that are fine examples of who I would want to connect with on a daily basis : People of Wal-Mart

"Lean On Me" Literalism

There are times that the only person you can rely on is yourself. Over the years, I have developed the unattractive habit of looking to loved ones for the stability I lack during stressful times in my life and now, it's about fucking time I start learning some mental independence. I feel truly blessed with the people in my life right now but in the end, it really comes down to getting your shit together. No one can help you map out your next move - not family, friends, and sure as hell not a Tony Robbins-esque motivational pompous preacher. With each passing year, this realization makes me straighten up that backbone and build a tougher shell. Yet, like with many epiphanies and resolutions, their impression on me fades as time passes but the credible ones (the ones that I know I should learn from or stick to) always return to bite me in the ass.

My 2010 never-too-late-to-learn-nor-remember-mantra: To truly be self-reliant, it must be a conscious decision of my own volition.

As Spring blooms in Manhattan and the sun shines brightly, I can't help but shrug off my natural cynical pessimism and feel a tad bit optimistic about the upcoming months. Right now, I'm listening to one of my favorite Bill Withers song and I'm making a promise to myself:

With such lovely days ahead, I'm going to keep the 'leaning' to a minimum.